A New Chapter

Life really does play out in chapters….


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I think I’m Regressing


Ever since my boyfriend started taking the night shift it has been ridiculous trying to sleep alone at night. I feel like I toss and turn all night because I wake up with all the pillows all over the floor, and the blankets are twisted and hanging off the bed. I thought it would get easier after a while, I even bought a new pillow that is about the same size as me and still I feel like I get no rest in the bed without him there.

I am so tired today it is ridiculous, I feel like I haven’t slept at all, and to top it off it is a super slow day at work so there is not even a high pressure project to keep me awake. I contemplated finding a privacy room to fall asleep in but just my luck I would be caught and fired…. so I went and got a coffee instead.

I have been sleeping next to him for almost 7 years now how am I supposed to get used to sleeping alone?!?! I was thinking that getting to stretch out, finally not be pushed to the edge of the bed, or not being smashed when we rolls over would be enough to satisfy my need for comfy sleep. Unfortunately now I have become accustom to being smashed in my sleep. I even tried piling pillows on top of myself so I could replicate the smashing and nope… just couldn’t breathe and got over heated way to fast.

Every time he leaves when I am about to go to sleep I feel like a little kid that is trying to force their dad to stay home.

I have the whole kid persona down. I have the puckered lip out, the big sad eyes, and I even wine a little bit even though I know him leaving is inevitably going to happen. I would kick and scream but by the time the clock says 9:30 I only have enough strength to push my pillow around and huff and puff a little bit.

Oh well, we have to do what we have to do in order to finally get a house. Though we are practically living in a house now it is not nearly as big as I would like for as many people live there. So once we are walking through the doors of our new house and he is all done with all this night shift crap and he can find a new job or a new shift it will all be worth it, but until then I guess I will have to regress to the prime age of 4 and squeal every time I see him leave or snuggle him when I come home from work and he is still asleep. I just have to take advantage of the little time that we do get to spend together.

If I wasn’t clingy before I sure am now. Every time we are just sitting around next to each other I find myself just trying to touch him anywhere I can, grabbing the little arm of his shirt, scratch his back, pinch or poke… its doesn’t matter to me. When he finally asked me what I was doing I told him, “just tying to get some physical attention while I can!”

Well so far my only coping mechanism I have found is every morning when I have to get ready alone I listen to the same song, it almost makes me want to cry but it is just want I need to hear at that moment so it evens out. (and for the record I haven’t cried yet!)

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Is It The Weather, Or Is It Me?


Well it’s going back to being colder and darker in the early morning and early evenings, and I guess the depression is starting to sweep back across everyone… or maybe just me. I’m from California “the SUNSHINE state” and moved to Washington a little over a year ago and never thought the weather would have any real effect on me I just thought people who were born and raised in gloom and doom are the ones that really get depressed when the rainy season comes back.

I’m a unique Washingtonian because I am the only one that is hiding when the sun is out and going for a walk on the gloomy fog covered days, but maybe the fog has finally got me down.

I recently stopped having a monthly cycle because I’m using the Mirena IUD, and I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t pregnant because I have had the insert for about 4 years now and they only recommend it to be in there for about 5-7 years. Well I took the test almost 2 weeks after my missed cycle and it was negative.

Unfortunately no one had the same reaction, and no one was happy with anyone’s reaction, but on the up side no matter which way it would have gone everyone would have been happy BUT as far as reactions go…. that part didn’t go so well.

Because I had a baby when I was 14 I feel really weird going through the same process again only with love, support, and understanding. To me it comes off as teasing and judgement, because that is what I endured the last time I was pregnant. I always felt like my 16-year-old sister-in-law looks down to me because she can’t even fathom being stupid enough to get pregnant at 14, she is 16 now with no baby so she has already immensely surpassed me.

I felt like she would look down on me more for getting pregnant again (even though I’m not 14 anymore) I felt like even my daughter would look down on me because she follows everything my sister-in-law does since they are not too far in age. I just wanted to have it be in intimate private thing between my boyfriend and I and then share the good or bad news with the family. Instead I got laughs and shits and giggles all down the hall from my daughter (whom is 7) and my sister-in-law ranting “HA HA pee on a stick, you have to pee on a stick.”  I have never felt so embarrassed and disrespected in my life. Even though only my family was home I felt like I was 14 again being taunted down the halls by all the horrible high school jerks. Later my mother in law told me that it was out of love I’m being emotional and they were just having fun because they were so excited and happy and they love me and blah blah blah…. Well where was all that affection, support, and love when all I heard was fun being poked at me.

It made the entire experience like a revenge assignment to prove that was or wasn’t pregnant, the outcome didn’t even matter as long as I had an answer so the subject could be laid to rest.

Maybe I overreacted because of the experiences I have had in the past and maybe they were supportive laughs and giggles I could just be super sensitive to the subject because it’s an experience I want to have so badly with him but I’m also scared to death to actually live that experience again because it was so scary and painful the first time.  I’m so torn with emotion over the subject that I just want to burst to relieve some of the pressure. I guess I’m hoping I’m not ruined, I can be happy about having kids in the future. I guess we really wont know until the day comes.

Since no one really can understand what I’m going through I guess I really didn’t expect anyone to be supportive of my over reactive emotions,I wish someone would be able to understand where my emotions are all coming from. I don’t wish anyone to be as damaged as be I just wish someone would understand.  I guess I just wanted someone to tell me I’m not crazy…..


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Breaking Writers Block By Just Writing


I love blogging but I haven’t been in any kind of mood to write anything productive or even moderately interesting. I love to write I just have had writers block for a little over a week now. I’m not saying that the writer’s block is gone, but I think the only way to get rid of it is to just sit down and try to write something. I really want to try to write something before I start working with my new job. I don’t think I will have as much spare time once I start working for this other group.

It’s not really a new job since I will be in the same building and I am only moving over a few bays, I am just going to be working with a new group of people on some new assignments I have never done before. I am excited for the new experience but a little pessimistic about the training. I always hated being in training because everyone automatically assumes that you don’t know anything about anything, and they can’t trust your opinions and ideas because you are a person speaking with no reference.

From what I was hearing about this new group it is going to be much more interesting than the group that I am currently working for now. At the moment I am doing basically data entry work and checking requirements of previously made drawings. But in this new group I will get the opportunity to show off some of the designer aspects of my job title instead of just the technical side.

We will be working on project that involve weight reduction on the plane by combining multi parts and making them one single part so we can remove nuts, bolts, and fasteners. I think it will be fun I just have to go through the “prove what you know” stage again and let everyone know I am not a complete imbecile. I know that I am knowledgeable in the job I am currently in because my boss has decided to take me up a level.There are 4 levels and I was hired at level 1, he said that he is putting in the info for me to become level 2 by next month. I am unsure if it means I will receive another pay bump but I am just happy with the new title. 😉

I thought it would take a lot longer then it has I have only been working here a year and one month and I am already going to get another promotion. I am really proud of where I am today but a little afraid of all the fast paced progress, what do you do once you have finally reached the top? Though I am nowhere near the top, I will be there soon at the rate I’m going (Not that that’s a bad thing 😉 I know I have said this before in another post “Too Much Too Fast?”, but since I talked with my manager about our mid-year evaluations I feel like I should be pursuing further schooling or getting ready to go further with something but at the moment everything is way better than expected (job wise) so pursuing school would actually probably make my current situation worse instead of better.

Things could always be worse so I don’t want anyone to think I am complaining about my situation, I’m just confused, I’m not even frustrated because I am very content with where I am at the moment. I just have to go back to taking things day by day instead of contemplating the future.

Sorry to all my readers if this blog post makes no sense, but like I said the only way to break writers block is to just write!


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Forget Road Rage… I Have Computer Rage!!


There are very few if any keys on a keyboard that are completely useless, but I have grown to absolutely hate the Num Lock button. Now most of you are thinking, “why I hardly use that button?” Well I will tell you this weather you use it a lot or only once or twice, I bet the only time you push it is out of anger.

Let me explain…. The num pad obviously has numbers and that the most likely function you are going to use it for. And since you see Numbers written largely and the words and arrows on the keys are small your brain automatically assumes that when you push those buttons numbers will appear on the screen. So then why in god name does the keyboard default to having the num lock turned off, as if we use 7 and 1 for “home” and “end” all the flippin time, when there is  a home and end button dedicated to just that function closer then the 7 and the 1.

Maybe this is just something personal with me and my keyboard and no one else goes through this problem, and most of you don’t even understand what I am saying. But haven’t you been in the situation where all you want to do is use the number key pad to make entering numbers faster and by force of habit you just start typing and your flippin screen starts going up and down page up, page down…. You freak out and bang on the num lock pad and look at your key board like it should have known better.


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Hurry Up and Wait


Life seems to be one big “hurry up and wait” game. Hurry up and go to school so you can graduate and wait for a job. Hurry up and get a good job and wait to retire. Even when you retire it’s the hurry up and retire game, so you can wait to spend all your money.

Never does the saying go, “hurry up so you can enjoy”. Everyone wants to just hurry up and get through everything, when in reality they are hurrying through their life, and waiting to die.

Even I find myself from time to time hurrying through something to get me absolutely nowhere. At work I have tried hurrying through the day just so I can wait for my van… Now where did that really get me? At the end of the day I was going to have to wait for the van anyways mo matter how fast I completed my work.

All I’m saying is, if life is the only game that we are to play here, wouldn’t you want to take your time so you might have a better chance of winning? Because no ones gets out of the game of life alive, the objective of the game is not to live or die it is to enjoy, have fun, and embrace the best moments, and hang on to the memories.

Little things in life we take so seriously, but life itself we pass off as a joke. If I gave you a poster and said you only get one shot to color this poster, you would take as much time as you needed to make that poster perfection. Yet in our own daily lives we color outside the lines as if we could just by a new poster or erase our mistakes.

Even though a life can never be perfection, that isn’t a reason to not to strive for it. Because when we see that poster we have to color it crosses our mind that we might make a mistake, but that never stops us from picking up the crayons and living.


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Smoking Conundrum


One thing I did notice today is that everyone seems to be walking around with “a case of the Monday’s” everyone would much rather be in Eastern Washington on vacation where the sun is shining but we are all stuck here making money on the rainy side of Washington, and the only upside is that you’re in a building with no windows. So whatever the weather is there is no reason for you to worry about it.

Unless you are a smoker like me, unfortunately I have to deal with whatever the weather is for at least a half hour a day during my ONE smoke break at 11:00am. I know what you’re thinking…. “How can you deal with only ONE smoke break!!??!!” And I have no answer for you on that one. People here are just lucky they have not had any limbs uncontrollably ripped off by one of my alter personalities that came out because it was starved for nicotine.

South Park – Season 7 Episode 13 “Butt Out” 

My work is actually one of the places that has made it illegal to smoke on the  property, you don’t get arrested but if a manager catches you on the premises and writes you up, you can eventually lose your job if you are written up enough times. I understand that people who don’t smoke do not like being unwillingly exposed to the smell and danger of the smoke every time they had to leave or enter the building, but having someone lose their job because they refused to walk over a mile to smoke a cigarette seems a little ridiculous as well.

You can’t have a completely smoke free workplace no matter how much you are just looking out for the best interest of the employees; you have to take everyone’s feelings into account. They have tried to help by getting everyone to just jump on the bandwagon and stop smoking by having programs you can join that help encourage you to become a non-smoker.

American Cancer Society’s “Quit for Life Program” 

If they are to ban smoking they need to take into account that some people do not want to quit, even though they fully understand the health risk. There needs to be designated smoking areas at least that are clear from walkways and doorways with ashtrays available. Because of this new rule passed without taking into consideration that smokers will be smokers and they will find a place to smoke on their breaks they now have the issue of mass amounts of cigarette butts lining the parking lots. Even though I smoke and there are no ashtrays conveniently placed for us I don’t throw my butt’s on the ground I keep it in my hand until I get to a trash can but not all smokers are that generous.

They have basically traded one problem for another without solving anything, even the people who started the ban are still mad because even though people have moved more than 100ft away from any doorway in that building to smoke, they still smell smoke on their way out to their cars in the mornings and afternoons because we hide in the parking lot to avoid being spotted by managers. So you see they will never be happy ad just putting up invisible lines didn’t help the situation at all either, if anything it probably cost them a few useful workers that were out on a smoke break and they got reported and fired.

Even being a smoker myself I don’t think that what they attempted to do was wrong, I am all for a company that is willing to help their employees stay or become as healthy as they can be. Boeing had great intentions, I just think they needed to come up with a better way of handling things. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on smoking this is just mine.


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Too Much Too Fast?


I feel like I have jumped the gun on this whole life thing.

I see all my friends just finishing up with college, or starting work at a rinky dink place that they don’t really like, but it helps them pay back some school loans. They are arguing with boyfriends jumping in and out of relationships, just the daily grind. Not me!! I have finished school, found a career and a husband, and I have family too…. I mean what else is there to look for. These are the big life goals that people spend their whole life looking for, and that is the main theme of life is to be constantly searching for something. But no one ever tells you what you are supposed to do when you find those thing, and what to do after.

I was recently thinking about continuing my education and I feel like there is nowhere else to go but down. If I continue with a degree like advertising, design, or photography, I would be working for less, and probably at a different company. Boeing wants Engineers, Techs, and Mechanics, I love to design and think of new innovative things and yes there is opportunity for that here at Boeing, but not in the way that I am most interested in. I guess I could take a job for less pay and like what I’m doing and probably have no chance of moving up in the company since loving photography leads to becoming a photographer and nothing more. Because no matter what you take pictures of or how much you get paid to take pictures that is all you do is take pictures.

So many people go through lots of jobs before the figure out what they like, what they are good at, and what they deserve to be paid… I just feel like I am coming to the end of my life rather than just beginning. There is no reason why I should go back to school but I am sitting here like… “That’s it??… I’m finished??… All I had to do was that??”

 

Have I finished my lifes journey at 22 already… is there nothing but just existing in this world that I created for myself? Not that it’s a bad thing that I have my life together, and I am grateful for all that I have, I guess I just didn’t know it would happen so fast. Honestly I didn’t think it would happen at all!!

I almost feel like I am setting myself up for disaster, like a midlife crisis, because we all know that, people that are sheltered or reformed as children grow to be rebellious adults that decide to sell their house and buy a sports car. Of course teens that rebel usually end up straightening out there life because they had a taste of the crazy life, and they don’t have the curiosity to see what they are missing out on, they already been there done that.

I feel like one of those people who gets knocked out for what seems like years, but only a few minutes have passed, and they wake up and say their life flashed before their eyes, I just feel like the biggest moments in my life already happened and all I have is the day-to-day left to live out. It is like skipping to the end of the movie, why sit through the whole thing if you know what is gonna happen in the end.

Sorry to sound like Debbie Downer because some people would love to trade lives for a day but I guess being content with what you have is one of lifes biggest challenges.


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An Adolescence Story


I know everyone has been beaten to death with this subject but I have to say something about it. I feel almost obligated to at the very least give my story and my opinion, since I am someone that is speaking from experience.

Recently I have been seeing shows like “Teen Mom” or “16 and Pregnant” and I see the way that people perceive these girls. They think of them as dumb sluts, or abused children that want attention or someone to love them. In many cases I am sure that’s true because I have watched the shows and see what comes out of the mouths of these immature, inexperienced, babies having babies. So I am sure that the statistics are somewhat true when they say that less than 2% of the teen moms that get pregnant don’t graduate from school, but honestly is that really just because of the baby or were they already the type of person to give up, they just needed a reason? Everyone immediately assumes that as soon as you have a baby that young you have completely ruined your life and you will never return.

I am not saying that I am a supporter of teen sex or pregnancy because I do think there are a lot of dumb teens that will eventually mess up their entire life and blame it on the baby, when really they didn’t sound like they were going to be upstanding citizens in the first place, baby or not.

I guess I must be the rare exception to the statistic, because I had my daughter when I was 13. I tell most people that I was 14 at least because the math adds up but she was born November 22nd, and my birthday is December 6th, so the lie is not that big. I know what you’re thinking already…. And no I wasn’t a slut, and I wasn’t raped, and no one abused me and made me want a child so I had someone to love me. I had a mishap with birth control because we often forget that it is 98% effective against pregnancy not 100%. Does not seem like much, but it is. Me and my ex were both virgins and I got pregnant the first time.

I was just a stupid teen making all the wrong decisions for myself in spite of what people warned me about, you know the typical teen, and my mother told me that if I was going to make an adult decision like this, I was going to live with the consequences of my actions. And I did. But I didn’t think that my life was over, just different. Yeah, I missed a lot of things like prom but we all have seen the show and heard the sob story from all the shows about missing so many immature childish things we cherish as teens, and that is not why I am writing this. I don’t want to give you another sob story.

I just want people to think before the instantly make an assumption about someone, before they instantly start trying to scare someone into believing that there life is over, they will not amount to be anything, and they are giving up everything. Maybe if we weren’t instantly mean and judgmental we could actually help some of these lost teens.

People were awful when I was pregnant they always looked at me like I was a trashy. At school was the worst of it because you know how mean other teens can be, they just say whatever comes into their minds. They all judge like they would never be in that situation but they have been, if they had sex they are setting themselves up for that situation. The only difference between me and all the other girls was that my secret sexual life was bulging out of the bottom of my shirt for everyone to point at and talk about. Yes, I see there is a large epidemic going around of pregnant teens but there has to be a better reason then they just did it because it was the cool thing to do. Not all of our teenagers can be that stupid. There has to be a bigger reason. And besides that everyone is different and you don’t know there story so there is no point in judging them right off the bat.

Judgmental Much?

This is just my opinion though I could be wrong, but I am living proof that you can have a baby at a ridiculously young age and overcome the hardship of life and if you work hard enough things can happen for you still. You will be young enough to have the energy to run around with your kid and your child will be old enough to remember the vacations and trips that you go on because by the time you are established they are old enough to join you on those fun adventures and it’s not a hassle, like when you are trying to bring a toddler or an infant with you. When you are old enough to retire and go back to focusing on your life because your child has grown up you and your kid will be practically the same age you guys can go party together LOL!!!  I just tried to look at the brighter side of things, it’s really all you can do when you are placed in a situation like that. If this is going to be the new trend and no one knows how to stop it, or why it is even happening, then we need to cope and adjust to it and find a better way to handle the situation. Not just scare girls into not getting pregnant, that obviously isn’t working the more we advertise the dangers the more teens rebel and get pregnant on purpose.

I can’t stand the way people are so cruel sometimes, even doctors would say things just to scare me telling me things like “you are going to have to have to learn how to take care of a premature baby because even if she is delivered on time, she most likely is going to be as big as a preme and have the same problems as a premature baby.”

My daughter was 8.4 pounds 19.6 inches long.

Halie A’marie

So whether it was a mean teen, or a dignified doctor, the reaction is the same, and the way they treat you is the same, I just think there has to be a better way to treat people even if they made a huge mistake. People act like teen moms are the scum of the earth, and our children are doomed. We can think of a way to be more understanding, and tolerant, try to educate (not scare) our kids before they get pregnant. Sex Ed is not enough, giving them free condoms is not enough, and scaring our current pregnant teens is not enough.

By advertising teen pregnancy I think we have already ruined our teens perception on what life is supposed to be like, but that does not mean that is too late to reeducate them and see if we can get them to look at things from another point of view. The only part of the Teen Mom Show that I find to be helping out our teens and the discussion they have  in the last 5 minutes of the show when they sit and explain what the reality shock was like when they found out how hard it really was to have a baby and how much they really had to give up. That is the only eye opening part that I feel all teens should look at it and go “WOW I don’t want to miss my prom!!” if nothing else these immature girls should at least realize all the fun stuff they aren’t going to be able to do anymore, it is more like being grounded and having to babysit for the next 18 years, instead of the white picket fence and 2.5 kids with prince charming and a dog, like playing house is so easy and fun.

You would think that a reality shock would do the trick but it seems like teens now a days are harder to break, unlike when I was a teen you could take my TV and I would do practically anything to get it back I didn’t like having things taken away from me but it seems like these kids just don’t care.

I guess the only reason I am writing this is to see if people can broaden the horizon and start to think from a different point of view. It takes a village to raise a child; it is going to take all of us to get these kids in line.

The Pregnancy Pact

Part 1 

Part 2 

Part 3 

Part 4 

Part 5 

Part 6

Part 7

 I thought this is a good movie to get conversation started with your kid, and also to enlighten parents on how there kids are really thinking…. and it is just a  good flick!


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Speak


Speak

I read a book called “Speak” it interested me because I can relate to not being the most popular girl in school, though I was never one of the girls that would do anything to become popular, I, just like many other girls, did want to know what it was like to be popular. After reading the first few pages I was hooked. I could relate to what she was going though in school with people not being too fond of her, and then things got real. She is invited to a party that normally would go on without her knowledge because she was not even cool enough to hear one was going on. Of course things start off well everyone is having a good time even the guy she crushes on is even showing her attention. Things take a turn for the worst when he gets her alone. After taking advantage of her she runs inside and calls 911, forgetting that there is a party going on with all of her schools coolest kids drinking underage.

You can see where I am going with this she is now not invisible because of her social status but she is now a common target of physical and mental abuse because she crashed the party. Knowing that everyone hates her she can’t bear to tell anyone that she called the police because she was raped, it is much easier for her to let them believe she was just a snitch. Even her parent don’t understand her strange behavior and she does not want them to make the situation known so she is alone with her own thoughts and fears, with no on to talk to.

They later made a movie based on the book starring “Kristen Stewart” you may know her from more popular movies like “Twilight”. I never pictured her being the star character for that movie but she played it off well, her natural awkwardness what just what the character needed. For a weird girl that is not bad looking but is a total outcast she can play that roll very well, like in the movie the “Runaways”.

I would say the book was very good and the movie portrayed the book well, so overall it was a good all the way around if you are into Lifetime movies with a moral at the end of every story and a somewhat tragic, yet uplifting ending.  It is very chick flick, teen movie drama but it is still a good flick.

Trailer 

You can watch the entire movie for free on YouTube in parts, it is worth the watch especially if you are unwilling to read the book.

Part 1 

Part 2 

Part 3 

Part 4 

 Part 5 

Part 6

Part 7 

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10


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People Like it That Much???


Fifty Shades of Grey

So it has come to my knowledge that there is a best-selling book that has even surpassed the infamously popular “Harry Potter” collection. It’s called “Fifty Shades of Grey” I am sure you have heard of it at one point or another. It is flying off the shelf so I decided to see what all the fuss is about and look up the synopsis…. and yes this is really what is about only expressed in my words.

Basically it about a billionaire guy, and a young virgin girl, and she wants to be ready for her next sex escapade with the guy she actually loves, and she does not want to disappoint him sexually. So she figures she can get with some slutty guy to teach her all about “sex” and “love”. But he has been through this before I’m sure so he makes her sign a contract so that he completely controls her life….. Oh and by the way… he likes light bondage.

…..Honestly that is ridiculous why is there so much hype about a book that is about a virgin being ruined, by what seems to be some selfish rich guy.

Now I don’t want everyone to all of a sudden hate me because I didn’t read the book and I am just talking about a few reviews and summary’s of it. I never said this was a review, just a question really.

What would make people obsess over a book about that???

I guess I am a bit lost as to what it is that would make this so appealing to the public, but I guess you can say that about a lot of the things that have sparked the interest of today’s society that have made me question my faith in humanity. But after reading about the nature of this book and realizing the clear popularity of it it made me think…. are we living in a world of perverts????