A New Chapter

Life really does play out in chapters….


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The Insane Rambling of a Stranger Called “Me”


I feel like I have been caught in an ocean current and I don’t know which way is up. I can’t come up for air, I just keep tumbling…..I was told by someone close to me that;

If you are ever caught in an actual ocean current then you should just ride it out, and let it carry you until you can get your bearings and find the shore. By riding the current and willingly letting it take you further out into the ocean you will have saved enough energy to swim back to shore and save yourself.

I don’t know how much longer I can tumble or how much longer I can ride it out without coming up for air. What if I can’t make it to the point where I can see the shore to see how far I have to swim before I can get myself back? No one knows I am out here, so no one knows I need to be rescued. I know I am alone in this and it is up to me to hang on and get myself out.

I almost want to just let go and let the water just take me away without a care in the world, but the fear of really losing myself somehow keeps me afloat. The pain of really letting go, outweighed the bliss of losing my fears. I am afraid to even get to the point of finding my bearing because of that moment of utter despair once you see how far are and how much you will have to work to get back. It is the strangest feeling to anticipate, dread, and yearn for the same outcome.

Trying not to acknowledge time at all I just want to ignore it until this time has passed. By counting the seconds it just makes everything seem like it is moving in slow motion. By ignoring it I’m hoping it will be over before I even realize how much time has really passed. Life seems to go by so quickly when we aren’t paying attention.

Seems like I blinked and 2 years of my life were already gone. Those years aren’t filled with regret, I just can’t believe they are gone already. Seems like my life is just passing me by and I am just tumbling being carried further and further out.

I keep trying to remind myself that things can always get worse. That is probably the only thought that is keeping my head barely above the water.

 

Drowning

 

 

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Jokes on Me


Haven’t you ever felt like your ideas are not being heard, and it makes you feel like they don’t really matter. I know everything I come up with isn’t going to turn into a great work of art, but I do think that I have good productive ideas that deserve to be tried, at the very least acknowledged. I never felt like I was the smartest person, I never really felt like I was one of those people with a real talent for anything particular, I have just been mediocre at everything, so for me to speak up and verbalize my opinion takes a lot of courage. I don’t expect the world to walk on egg shells or to pamper me because I take rejection poorly, or have a hard time speaking my mind, but I never really expected the things people had to say about my ideas urk me.

I know I can’t be the only person that grinds their teeth a little while someone is critiquing / criticizing their work. If your anything like me you are prone to rejection and practically expect it to be lurking around every corner, so you prepare, even over prepare yourself, in order to be able to tell yourself, “at least you tried you best, but you knew that wasn’t going to work any ways.”  I can handle people editing something I have thought of or trying to improve on it, but just completely dismissing it? I don’t know why people think that stepping on someone else, will put them one step ahead.

Keeping up an attitude like that seems depressing but it actually better then constantly being disappointed, this way I am always right, whether it works or not. I have lived this way my entire life and there is no point in changing things now. I just was hoping that once I was no longer in school, maybe now that I have grown up a bit I can let my thoughts flow without worrying so much about the repercussions of a thumbs down response. It’s not like I have to cry in a corner if someone didn’t like my opinion, but my blood starts to boil, and I am sure that it’s not good for that vain in the side of your neck to pulse quite so hard.

The fact remains, the same kids that got away with being little jerks because everyone used the excuse “kids will be kids” are now adult little jerks.

You would think that somebody stole my teddy bear and ripped his heart out with the way that I am complaining about not being heard. But I am not in school anymore I am not in a place where the dumb assignment means nothing more than extra recycling waste on a school teachers desk. I am at work now, and my thoughts and opinions should mean something now. I know I will make myself heard.