A New Chapter

Life really does play out in chapters….

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I think I’m Regressing

Ever since my boyfriend started taking the night shift it has been ridiculous trying to sleep alone at night. I feel like I toss and turn all night because I wake up with all the pillows all over the floor, and the blankets are twisted and hanging off the bed. I thought it would get easier after a while, I even bought a new pillow that is about the same size as me and still I feel like I get no rest in the bed without him there.

I am so tired today it is ridiculous, I feel like I haven’t slept at all, and to top it off it is a super slow day at work so there is not even a high pressure project to keep me awake. I contemplated finding a privacy room to fall asleep in but just my luck I would be caught and fired…. so I went and got a coffee instead.

I have been sleeping next to him for almost 7 years now how am I supposed to get used to sleeping alone?!?! I was thinking that getting to stretch out, finally not be pushed to the edge of the bed, or not being smashed when we rolls over would be enough to satisfy my need for comfy sleep. Unfortunately now I have become accustom to being smashed in my sleep. I even tried piling pillows on top of myself so I could replicate the smashing and nope… just couldn’t breathe and got over heated way to fast.

Every time he leaves when I am about to go to sleep I feel like a little kid that is trying to force their dad to stay home.

I have the whole kid persona down. I have the puckered lip out, the big sad eyes, and I even wine a little bit even though I know him leaving is inevitably going to happen. I would kick and scream but by the time the clock says 9:30 I only have enough strength to push my pillow around and huff and puff a little bit.

Oh well, we have to do what we have to do in order to finally get a house. Though we are practically living in a house now it is not nearly as big as I would like for as many people live there. So once we are walking through the doors of our new house and he is all done with all this night shift crap and he can find a new job or a new shift it will all be worth it, but until then I guess I will have to regress to the prime age of 4 and squeal every time I see him leave or snuggle him when I come home from work and he is still asleep. I just have to take advantage of the little time that we do get to spend together.

If I wasn’t clingy before I sure am now. Every time we are just sitting around next to each other I find myself just trying to touch him anywhere I can, grabbing the little arm of his shirt, scratch his back, pinch or poke… its doesn’t matter to me. When he finally asked me what I was doing I told him, “just tying to get some physical attention while I can!”

Well so far my only coping mechanism I have found is every morning when I have to get ready alone I listen to the same song, it almost makes me want to cry but it is just want I need to hear at that moment so it evens out. (and for the record I haven’t cried yet!)


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Sheer Tiredness

How is it that someone my age can be as tired as I am?? It’s not that I am lazy and don’t want to move (well that has something to do with it sometimes) I just don’t have the energy. I hear people talking about how they go to work then go party THEN go to work again!?!?!

I am only 22 I should be able to party all weekend and go to work. I would be asleep on my desk!!!

Even women that are in there 60’s are going out and having a better time than me. I am not jealous don’t get me wrong if I was invited out to a club I wouldn’t know what to do with myself because that has never been my scene. Being up in the club never sounded very appealing to me…. All the talk of date rape probably didn’t help its cause either.

Maybe I will get to have a mid life crisis and go buck wild in my mid to late 30’s… sounds like a really good time to  do it at age 29 so  I can blame my immature reckless behavior on my turning 30 and thinking life is over.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I have an old soul… am not really sure if it is a complement or an insult now.

Maybe they were just letting me down easy by letting me know my life is going to be extremely boring. The funny thing is boring is okay with me, I don’t mind boring. It is predictable, steady, and  easy there is no need to really worry because you already know what to expect.

Oh well I don’t mind being tired and boring. Going out to the club is far overrated …

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Working again

Off to work again …. I don’t mind it so much, I really miss the days when I could wake up when I want, or sleep the day away, or staying up late on a Monday night just because I can. The one thing I really miss is not being with my family all day…. But I make up for the time that I spend away making the big bucks by taking weekend adventures together, which is something I could never do before in California. So I guess things even out in the end.