I feel like I have been caught in an ocean current and I don’t know which way is up. I can’t come up for air, I just keep tumbling…..I was told by someone close to me that;
If you are ever caught in an actual ocean current then you should just ride it out, and let it carry you until you can get your bearings and find the shore. By riding the current and willingly letting it take you further out into the ocean you will have saved enough energy to swim back to shore and save yourself.
I don’t know how much longer I can tumble or how much longer I can ride it out without coming up for air. What if I can’t make it to the point where I can see the shore to see how far I have to swim before I can get myself back? No one knows I am out here, so no one knows I need to be rescued. I know I am alone in this and it is up to me to hang on and get myself out.
I almost want to just let go and let the water just take me away without a care in the world, but the fear of really losing myself somehow keeps me afloat. The pain of really letting go, outweighed the bliss of losing my fears. I am afraid to even get to the point of finding my bearing because of that moment of utter despair once you see how far are and how much you will have to work to get back. It is the strangest feeling to anticipate, dread, and yearn for the same outcome.
Trying not to acknowledge time at all I just want to ignore it until this time has passed. By counting the seconds it just makes everything seem like it is moving in slow motion. By ignoring it I’m hoping it will be over before I even realize how much time has really passed. Life seems to go by so quickly when we aren’t paying attention.
Seems like I blinked and 2 years of my life were already gone. Those years aren’t filled with regret, I just can’t believe they are gone already. Seems like my life is just passing me by and I am just tumbling being carried further and further out.
I keep trying to remind myself that things can always get worse. That is probably the only thought that is keeping my head barely above the water.