A New Chapter

Life really does play out in chapters….


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The Perfect Customer


The perfect customer is dissatisfied but hopeful, uninterested in serious personal development, highly habituated to the television, working full-time, earning a fair amount, indulging during their free time, and somehow just getting by.

Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed

Source – (great article worth the read.)

Banksy

Go to work, send your kids to school, follow fashion, act normal, walk on the pavement, watch T.V. save for old age, obey the law, then repeat after me: “I am free!”

I have been feeling a need to disconnect, unplug, just walk away from it all and live life carefree scooping ice cream on a beach somewhere. Could it just be because it is summer time and I live in Washington and I am starting to occasionally crave sunshine, or is it just because we were never meant to live a life filled with a 40+ hour work week. Having a job is something to be proud of don’t get me wrong, it is a great accomplishment that you deciphered the code of the system we all grew up in and cracked it! Passed schooling and landed a job you did it! So why do I have all this money and no time to enjoy it with the people I am making all the money for. I’m at a strange point in my life and I have to ask the question, am I alone in this feeling? Do other people share this same feeling or am I just another millennial that feels like work sucks and play is much more fun? Things are just not fair and sometimes I just have the overwhelming feeling to stomp my feet like a child, simply because that is all I can do about the situations that really anger me.

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It Is How It Is…But Is It Really Though?


Angry, confused, changed, helpless, enlightened, alone, overwhelmed, excited, open minded….

These are just a few of the emotions that have passed through me recently yet I haven’t had the motivation to put it into words. There is just so much going on and so much to talk about that it seems almost impossible to focus on one subject and just have at it. I have had this overwhelming feeling, like we are on the edge of something great and I don’t want to have my head down blinders on just moseying around mindlessly like another drone through life when it happens.

I hear people say things like “this isn’t how humans are supposed to be living” with so much of the day wasted behind a desk under artificial lights. “LIVE DAMN YOU LIVE.” But we can’t. We aren’t allowed to, or for most of us, don’t have the means to do so. I keep feeling this void that can’t be filled with materialistic things that can be bought, with good job security and decent pay. It can’t be filled with vacations and getaways, it can’t even be filled with the joys of family and love. So what then can fill it?

Capture

So many of us feel that same void and try to fill it with sex, drugs, drinks, and simple distractions that the media told us would make us happy and then we think something is still wrong with us when we are not happy with these things we have filled our life with. The things they told us we should be filling our life with in order to finally catch that dream we have been chasing our entire lives. Once we acquire all the things and we have people in our lives that make up happy…. then what? What is it that we are missing?

Time.

Time to live. That’s what we are missing. The time to actually enjoy all the things we spent our entire lives trying to gather and retain. We shouldn’t be forced to wait until we are 65 to enjoy all that life and leisure time have to offer us. We spend the better parts of our day dedicated to going to work, am I supposed to be happy there? We get home and continue with the stresses of todays daily life at home because we have to now spend that money we worked so hard for on the bills that keep the lights on at home and keep all the machines I’ve bought to entertain or assist me running, but does that make me happy?  Then I finally get 2 days away from work only to return again for another 5, repetitively for 50 years so that I can one day  afford to die in a nice retirement home instead of under a bridge somewhere, is that supposed to make me happy and give me peace of mind? To know I am making enough money to die is defiantly a load of my shoulders….

There is so much corruption and greed in the world that it sometimes feels like there is no alternative to being a drone unless you want to be homeless and hungry under that bridge they are burying you under.

I have started reading books that take my mind to another level of consciousness so that maybe in some realm I can find some bit of happiness. One of them I would highly recommend is “Biocentrism – How Life and Consciousness are the Keys to Understanding the Nature of the Universe” Though I might warn you its one of those books that after you finish it you kind of look at everyone else as if they are stuck in some illusionistic reality, almost as if you are Neo from the Matrix and you have seen the true reality that no one else can see yet. Its like being in on a secret only you and the author know and your looking at everyone else like they are mindless sheep just following along without asking a single question about life throughout their entire existence.

So now that I know this, what do I do with this new found knowledge? I thought about sharing it but explaining it without sounding like a total loon is pretty hard. Trust me, start reading a few pages of the book I mentioned and you will quickly see that explaining it is like explaining color to the blind. Is it possible that on the journey to discovery, enlightenment and interconnectedness that we somehow feel more alone than ever.

I’m also reading a book called Revolution, which is exactly what we are in need of. An enlightenment, a wake-up call, a realization that everything is not ok, its not going to be ok and nothing is ever going to be the same again.

So what do we do about it? I don’t know, hence the emotions I stated earlier. I can’t be the only person that thinks something is very wrong on a much more grandiose global scale as well as a more intimate internal scale, and with the combination of them both it feels like everything is bound to go nowhere. I brush that feeling off only because I see there are others out there with the same feeling and same questions, seeking the same answers.


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Lost Time


I haven’t blogged for a while and it’s not because I don’t want to, or I lost interest, I just lost time. I don’t know where it went.

I can’t be the only one that can’t believe we are already 3, almost 4 months into the year. It was just freaking Christmas! It was just New Years! Where did the time go?

All week I just can’t wait for the weekend so I do as much as I can just so I can hurry through the week and get to Friday. I have done it so much that months just fly by. The days are a blur, if you told me what did I do this week specifically what I did I wouldn’t be able to answer you. I am afraid I would probably sound like a black out drunk that loses half their memory on a regular basis. (and I don’t even drink!)

I am so thankful for the days when it seem to just zip by and I get to go home from work and it feels like its only been a few hours instead of the half the day. I guess I am just starting to wonder if that is even something to be grateful for.

I guess I keep telling myself that I am in this for the long haul I have a career, not just a job, so I will be doing this for a while. Hopefully for the better part of my life. (Unless I hit the lotto and then I get to retire at 23 so I can sit around like a lazy slob like frequently dream about.)

Nonetheless, I shouldn’t just be speeding through everyday so I can hurry to the finish line, and be done with working. It’s not like I hate my job, I would much rather be home with my family, but wouldn’t anyone trade their job for their family? I mean people only work so they can provide for their family or at least for themselves. Unfortunately you have to lose so much time in the process of providing , it constantly makes me question, is it worth it. I know that it’s because you have to provide to have a family or just to keep yourself alive.

Life is a constant revolving battle of losing time and making up for the lost time.

…Sorry if this sounded a bit like the ramblings of  a crazy person…

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The Holidays are here again!!!! ALREADY!!!


Yup, it is already that time again, everything needs to be decorated then taken down then decorated again then taken down again then decorated again then taken down one last time…. no wonder some people leave there Christmas lights up all year, they were on the brink of insanity.

Again here at work everyone’s running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to prepare for the holidays decorating everything with fall decor and transitioning from Halloween to Thanksgiving. All the cubicles look like they have been dipped into the nearest dollar store and came out just dripping with tacky decor.

 

Calm down everyone we still have thanks giving to coming up we can eat all our sorrows and our friends sorrows away with how much we are going to eat!!! Relax people summer is over just stuff your face and enjoy the moment!!!


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Summer is Officially Over!


Well Summer has come to an end, and the cold fall and winter lay ahead.

Living in California you hardly noticed the seasons change from hot to hotter, and back to hot again.

Here in Washington that is a different story, during the winter people stay inside and most of the time because of the poor weather, but even if you wanted to go out, there was not much time for you to get the chance to be in sunlight (Well if you have a day job at least). I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, during the time in between I work in a building with no windows so the only chance I get to go outside is my 40 min lunch break, and usually this place is just starting to thaw by 11 am. I take advantage of the break and get a little sun while I can but I am not like most of these Washingtonians that would miss a day of work because the weather guy says “SUNNY AND HOT.” FYI there idea of “hot” is about 80-85 degrees, which isn’t that hot if you are from Palm Springs like me where it gets hot enough to fry and egg on the sidewalk.

So far we have gone 48 days without rain but there was a little sprinkle last night and this morning but it’s just morning dew compared to the rain we normally have so in my opinion it doesn’t really count as rain. The record for Seattle area is 51 days. Not very long when you think that California can go the full 360 without a drop. In Palm Springs (about and hour away from where I lived)  they, on average, get 350 days of sunshine year round!

Back to the cold we go but its fine with me after being born and raised in the sunshine state I am the only one in Washington that misses the misty, foggy days!!


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I think I’m Regressing


Ever since my boyfriend started taking the night shift it has been ridiculous trying to sleep alone at night. I feel like I toss and turn all night because I wake up with all the pillows all over the floor, and the blankets are twisted and hanging off the bed. I thought it would get easier after a while, I even bought a new pillow that is about the same size as me and still I feel like I get no rest in the bed without him there.

I am so tired today it is ridiculous, I feel like I haven’t slept at all, and to top it off it is a super slow day at work so there is not even a high pressure project to keep me awake. I contemplated finding a privacy room to fall asleep in but just my luck I would be caught and fired…. so I went and got a coffee instead.

I have been sleeping next to him for almost 7 years now how am I supposed to get used to sleeping alone?!?! I was thinking that getting to stretch out, finally not be pushed to the edge of the bed, or not being smashed when we rolls over would be enough to satisfy my need for comfy sleep. Unfortunately now I have become accustom to being smashed in my sleep. I even tried piling pillows on top of myself so I could replicate the smashing and nope… just couldn’t breathe and got over heated way to fast.

Every time he leaves when I am about to go to sleep I feel like a little kid that is trying to force their dad to stay home.

I have the whole kid persona down. I have the puckered lip out, the big sad eyes, and I even wine a little bit even though I know him leaving is inevitably going to happen. I would kick and scream but by the time the clock says 9:30 I only have enough strength to push my pillow around and huff and puff a little bit.

Oh well, we have to do what we have to do in order to finally get a house. Though we are practically living in a house now it is not nearly as big as I would like for as many people live there. So once we are walking through the doors of our new house and he is all done with all this night shift crap and he can find a new job or a new shift it will all be worth it, but until then I guess I will have to regress to the prime age of 4 and squeal every time I see him leave or snuggle him when I come home from work and he is still asleep. I just have to take advantage of the little time that we do get to spend together.

If I wasn’t clingy before I sure am now. Every time we are just sitting around next to each other I find myself just trying to touch him anywhere I can, grabbing the little arm of his shirt, scratch his back, pinch or poke… its doesn’t matter to me. When he finally asked me what I was doing I told him, “just tying to get some physical attention while I can!”

Well so far my only coping mechanism I have found is every morning when I have to get ready alone I listen to the same song, it almost makes me want to cry but it is just want I need to hear at that moment so it evens out. (and for the record I haven’t cried yet!)


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I’m So Ronery …


My first morning getting ready without my hubby was so lonely, I had been getting ready in my bathroom while he slept for almost a year but at least he was still right there to snuggle me while I slept, and for me to hug and kiss before I left the house.

This morning I had to get ready alone because he recently started working the night shift and he goes to work when it is time for me to go to sleep, he is sleeping when I get home from work because he has to get up at 8:00pm and I am sleeping when it is time for him to get up and get ready.

Our schedule barley fits any time for us to just hang out like we used to ….. that’s why I thought this song was perfect for the occasion……

………I am so ronery now …..

 


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Breaking Writers Block By Just Writing


I love blogging but I haven’t been in any kind of mood to write anything productive or even moderately interesting. I love to write I just have had writers block for a little over a week now. I’m not saying that the writer’s block is gone, but I think the only way to get rid of it is to just sit down and try to write something. I really want to try to write something before I start working with my new job. I don’t think I will have as much spare time once I start working for this other group.

It’s not really a new job since I will be in the same building and I am only moving over a few bays, I am just going to be working with a new group of people on some new assignments I have never done before. I am excited for the new experience but a little pessimistic about the training. I always hated being in training because everyone automatically assumes that you don’t know anything about anything, and they can’t trust your opinions and ideas because you are a person speaking with no reference.

From what I was hearing about this new group it is going to be much more interesting than the group that I am currently working for now. At the moment I am doing basically data entry work and checking requirements of previously made drawings. But in this new group I will get the opportunity to show off some of the designer aspects of my job title instead of just the technical side.

We will be working on project that involve weight reduction on the plane by combining multi parts and making them one single part so we can remove nuts, bolts, and fasteners. I think it will be fun I just have to go through the “prove what you know” stage again and let everyone know I am not a complete imbecile. I know that I am knowledgeable in the job I am currently in because my boss has decided to take me up a level.There are 4 levels and I was hired at level 1, he said that he is putting in the info for me to become level 2 by next month. I am unsure if it means I will receive another pay bump but I am just happy with the new title. 😉

I thought it would take a lot longer then it has I have only been working here a year and one month and I am already going to get another promotion. I am really proud of where I am today but a little afraid of all the fast paced progress, what do you do once you have finally reached the top? Though I am nowhere near the top, I will be there soon at the rate I’m going (Not that that’s a bad thing 😉 I know I have said this before in another post “Too Much Too Fast?”, but since I talked with my manager about our mid-year evaluations I feel like I should be pursuing further schooling or getting ready to go further with something but at the moment everything is way better than expected (job wise) so pursuing school would actually probably make my current situation worse instead of better.

Things could always be worse so I don’t want anyone to think I am complaining about my situation, I’m just confused, I’m not even frustrated because I am very content with where I am at the moment. I just have to go back to taking things day by day instead of contemplating the future.

Sorry to all my readers if this blog post makes no sense, but like I said the only way to break writers block is to just write!


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Hurry Up and Wait


Life seems to be one big “hurry up and wait” game. Hurry up and go to school so you can graduate and wait for a job. Hurry up and get a good job and wait to retire. Even when you retire it’s the hurry up and retire game, so you can wait to spend all your money.

Never does the saying go, “hurry up so you can enjoy”. Everyone wants to just hurry up and get through everything, when in reality they are hurrying through their life, and waiting to die.

Even I find myself from time to time hurrying through something to get me absolutely nowhere. At work I have tried hurrying through the day just so I can wait for my van… Now where did that really get me? At the end of the day I was going to have to wait for the van anyways mo matter how fast I completed my work.

All I’m saying is, if life is the only game that we are to play here, wouldn’t you want to take your time so you might have a better chance of winning? Because no ones gets out of the game of life alive, the objective of the game is not to live or die it is to enjoy, have fun, and embrace the best moments, and hang on to the memories.

Little things in life we take so seriously, but life itself we pass off as a joke. If I gave you a poster and said you only get one shot to color this poster, you would take as much time as you needed to make that poster perfection. Yet in our own daily lives we color outside the lines as if we could just by a new poster or erase our mistakes.

Even though a life can never be perfection, that isn’t a reason to not to strive for it. Because when we see that poster we have to color it crosses our mind that we might make a mistake, but that never stops us from picking up the crayons and living.