Lost Time

I haven’t blogged for a while and it’s not because I don’t want to, or I lost interest, I just lost time. I don’t know where it went.

I can’t be the only one that can’t believe we are already 3, almost 4 months into the year. It was just freaking Christmas! It was just New Years! Where did the time go?

All week I just can’t wait for the weekend so I do as much as I can just so I can hurry through the week and get to Friday. I have done it so much that months just fly by. The days are a blur, if you told me what did I do this week specifically what I did I wouldn’t be able to answer you. I am afraid I would probably sound like a black out drunk that loses half their memory on a regular basis. (and I don’t even drink!)

I am so thankful for the days when it seem to just zip by and I get to go home from work and it feels like its only been a few hours instead of the half the day. I guess I am just starting to wonder if that is even something to be grateful for.

I guess I keep telling myself that I am in this for the long haul I have a career, not just a job, so I will be doing this for a while. Hopefully for the better part of my life. (Unless I hit the lotto and then I get to retire at 23 so I can sit around like a lazy slob like frequently dream about.)

Nonetheless, I shouldn’t just be speeding through everyday so I can hurry to the finish line, and be done with working. It’s not like I hate my job, I would much rather be home with my family, but wouldn’t anyone trade their job for their family? I mean people only work so they can provide for their family or at least for themselves. Unfortunately you have to lose so much time in the process of providing , it constantly makes me question, is it worth it. I know that it’s because you have to provide to have a family or just to keep yourself alive.

Life is a constant revolving battle of losing time and making up for the lost time.

…Sorry if this sounded a bit like the ramblings of  a crazy person…

Is It The Weather, Or Is It Me?

Well it’s going back to being colder and darker in the early morning and early evenings, and I guess the depression is starting to sweep back across everyone… or maybe just me. I’m from California “the SUNSHINE state” and moved to Washington a little over a year ago and never thought the weather would have any real effect on me I just thought people who were born and raised in gloom and doom are the ones that really get depressed when the rainy season comes back.

I’m a unique Washingtonian because I am the only one that is hiding when the sun is out and going for a walk on the gloomy fog covered days, but maybe the fog has finally got me down.

I recently stopped having a monthly cycle because I’m using the Mirena IUD, and I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t pregnant because I have had the insert for about 4 years now and they only recommend it to be in there for about 5-7 years. Well I took the test almost 2 weeks after my missed cycle and it was negative.

Unfortunately no one had the same reaction, and no one was happy with anyone’s reaction, but on the up side no matter which way it would have gone everyone would have been happy BUT as far as reactions go…. that part didn’t go so well.

Because I had a baby when I was 14 I feel really weird going through the same process again only with love, support, and understanding. To me it comes off as teasing and judgement, because that is what I endured the last time I was pregnant. I always felt like my 16-year-old sister-in-law looks down to me because she can’t even fathom being stupid enough to get pregnant at 14, she is 16 now with no baby so she has already immensely surpassed me.

I felt like she would look down on me more for getting pregnant again (even though I’m not 14 anymore) I felt like even my daughter would look down on me because she follows everything my sister-in-law does since they are not too far in age. I just wanted to have it be in intimate private thing between my boyfriend and I and then share the good or bad news with the family. Instead I got laughs and shits and giggles all down the hall from my daughter (whom is 7) and my sister-in-law ranting “HA HA pee on a stick, you have to pee on a stick.”  I have never felt so embarrassed and disrespected in my life. Even though only my family was home I felt like I was 14 again being taunted down the halls by all the horrible high school jerks. Later my mother in law told me that it was out of love I’m being emotional and they were just having fun because they were so excited and happy and they love me and blah blah blah…. Well where was all that affection, support, and love when all I heard was fun being poked at me.

It made the entire experience like a revenge assignment to prove that was or wasn’t pregnant, the outcome didn’t even matter as long as I had an answer so the subject could be laid to rest.

Maybe I overreacted because of the experiences I have had in the past and maybe they were supportive laughs and giggles I could just be super sensitive to the subject because it’s an experience I want to have so badly with him but I’m also scared to death to actually live that experience again because it was so scary and painful the first time.  I’m so torn with emotion over the subject that I just want to burst to relieve some of the pressure. I guess I’m hoping I’m not ruined, I can be happy about having kids in the future. I guess we really wont know until the day comes.

Since no one really can understand what I’m going through I guess I really didn’t expect anyone to be supportive of my over reactive emotions,I wish someone would be able to understand where my emotions are all coming from. I don’t wish anyone to be as damaged as be I just wish someone would understand.  I guess I just wanted someone to tell me I’m not crazy…..

Breaking Writers Block By Just Writing

I love blogging but I haven’t been in any kind of mood to write anything productive or even moderately interesting. I love to write I just have had writers block for a little over a week now. I’m not saying that the writer’s block is gone, but I think the only way to get rid of it is to just sit down and try to write something. I really want to try to write something before I start working with my new job. I don’t think I will have as much spare time once I start working for this other group.

It’s not really a new job since I will be in the same building and I am only moving over a few bays, I am just going to be working with a new group of people on some new assignments I have never done before. I am excited for the new experience but a little pessimistic about the training. I always hated being in training because everyone automatically assumes that you don’t know anything about anything, and they can’t trust your opinions and ideas because you are a person speaking with no reference.

From what I was hearing about this new group it is going to be much more interesting than the group that I am currently working for now. At the moment I am doing basically data entry work and checking requirements of previously made drawings. But in this new group I will get the opportunity to show off some of the designer aspects of my job title instead of just the technical side.

We will be working on project that involve weight reduction on the plane by combining multi parts and making them one single part so we can remove nuts, bolts, and fasteners. I think it will be fun I just have to go through the “prove what you know” stage again and let everyone know I am not a complete imbecile. I know that I am knowledgeable in the job I am currently in because my boss has decided to take me up a level.There are 4 levels and I was hired at level 1, he said that he is putting in the info for me to become level 2 by next month. I am unsure if it means I will receive another pay bump but I am just happy with the new title. 😉

I thought it would take a lot longer then it has I have only been working here a year and one month and I am already going to get another promotion. I am really proud of where I am today but a little afraid of all the fast paced progress, what do you do once you have finally reached the top? Though I am nowhere near the top, I will be there soon at the rate I’m going (Not that that’s a bad thing 😉 I know I have said this before in another post “Too Much Too Fast?”, but since I talked with my manager about our mid-year evaluations I feel like I should be pursuing further schooling or getting ready to go further with something but at the moment everything is way better than expected (job wise) so pursuing school would actually probably make my current situation worse instead of better.

Things could always be worse so I don’t want anyone to think I am complaining about my situation, I’m just confused, I’m not even frustrated because I am very content with where I am at the moment. I just have to go back to taking things day by day instead of contemplating the future.

Sorry to all my readers if this blog post makes no sense, but like I said the only way to break writers block is to just write!

Hurry Up and Wait

Life seems to be one big “hurry up and wait” game. Hurry up and go to school so you can graduate and wait for a job. Hurry up and get a good job and wait to retire. Even when you retire it’s the hurry up and retire game, so you can wait to spend all your money.

Never does the saying go, “hurry up so you can enjoy”. Everyone wants to just hurry up and get through everything, when in reality they are hurrying through their life, and waiting to die.

Even I find myself from time to time hurrying through something to get me absolutely nowhere. At work I have tried hurrying through the day just so I can wait for my van… Now where did that really get me? At the end of the day I was going to have to wait for the van anyways mo matter how fast I completed my work.

All I’m saying is, if life is the only game that we are to play here, wouldn’t you want to take your time so you might have a better chance of winning? Because no ones gets out of the game of life alive, the objective of the game is not to live or die it is to enjoy, have fun, and embrace the best moments, and hang on to the memories.

Little things in life we take so seriously, but life itself we pass off as a joke. If I gave you a poster and said you only get one shot to color this poster, you would take as much time as you needed to make that poster perfection. Yet in our own daily lives we color outside the lines as if we could just by a new poster or erase our mistakes.

Even though a life can never be perfection, that isn’t a reason to not to strive for it. Because when we see that poster we have to color it crosses our mind that we might make a mistake, but that never stops us from picking up the crayons and living.

First Friday Alone

So my work schedule is worked out so that I get every other Friday off. Usually my hubby is here with me because he only recently started working, and today is the first day in a long time that I am the one at home and he is the one gone at work. I love having someone to come home to and vent about my day, good or bad, I enjoy being able to just talk to someone about everything I can’t say out loud at work. 😉

Now I remember the extreme boredom I had when I stayed home before. When he got an internship while we lived in California and I hadn’t started school yet, I was home 24/7.

Don’t get me wrong I sit around like a slob I do the house work, but still just not having someone to share your day with while you’re having it, when you are used to telling them everything pops into your head is just weird for me.

I guess I just have gotten to use to consistent company, it is nice when you are watching a show and you find something funny and you both laugh, or you see a funny picture online and you want to tell someone to make them laugh too I always think of him, not just because I can just nudge him and say look because he is sitting next to me, just because I like sharing everything with him. Just posting stuff to Facebook or Twitter might hold me over for now I guess but I gotta say I really like having some next to me, it’s a lot better in my opinion.

Oh well only about 5 more hours for me to wait for him to get back, house is clean, everyone is asleep so I guess I will have to read some blogs to keep myself occupied for a while. So get ready all you bloggers out there you’re getting a “comment” or a “like” outta me today.