A New Chapter

Life really does play out in chapters….


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It Is How It Is…But Is It Really Though?


Angry, confused, changed, helpless, enlightened, alone, overwhelmed, excited, open minded….

These are just a few of the emotions that have passed through me recently yet I haven’t had the motivation to put it into words. There is just so much going on and so much to talk about that it seems almost impossible to focus on one subject and just have at it. I have had this overwhelming feeling, like we are on the edge of something great and I don’t want to have my head down blinders on just moseying around mindlessly like another drone through life when it happens.

I hear people say things like “this isn’t how humans are supposed to be living” with so much of the day wasted behind a desk under artificial lights. “LIVE DAMN YOU LIVE.” But we can’t. We aren’t allowed to, or for most of us, don’t have the means to do so. I keep feeling this void that can’t be filled with materialistic things that can be bought, with good job security and decent pay. It can’t be filled with vacations and getaways, it can’t even be filled with the joys of family and love. So what then can fill it?

Capture

So many of us feel that same void and try to fill it with sex, drugs, drinks, and simple distractions that the media told us would make us happy and then we think something is still wrong with us when we are not happy with these things we have filled our life with. The things they told us we should be filling our life with in order to finally catch that dream we have been chasing our entire lives. Once we acquire all the things and we have people in our lives that make up happy…. then what? What is it that we are missing?

Time.

Time to live. That’s what we are missing. The time to actually enjoy all the things we spent our entire lives trying to gather and retain. We shouldn’t be forced to wait until we are 65 to enjoy all that life and leisure time have to offer us. We spend the better parts of our day dedicated to going to work, am I supposed to be happy there? We get home and continue with the stresses of todays daily life at home because we have to now spend that money we worked so hard for on the bills that keep the lights on at home and keep all the machines I’ve bought to entertain or assist me running, but does that make me happy?  Then I finally get 2 days away from work only to return again for another 5, repetitively for 50 years so that I can one day  afford to die in a nice retirement home instead of under a bridge somewhere, is that supposed to make me happy and give me peace of mind? To know I am making enough money to die is defiantly a load of my shoulders….

There is so much corruption and greed in the world that it sometimes feels like there is no alternative to being a drone unless you want to be homeless and hungry under that bridge they are burying you under.

I have started reading books that take my mind to another level of consciousness so that maybe in some realm I can find some bit of happiness. One of them I would highly recommend is “Biocentrism – How Life and Consciousness are the Keys to Understanding the Nature of the Universe” Though I might warn you its one of those books that after you finish it you kind of look at everyone else as if they are stuck in some illusionistic reality, almost as if you are Neo from the Matrix and you have seen the true reality that no one else can see yet. Its like being in on a secret only you and the author know and your looking at everyone else like they are mindless sheep just following along without asking a single question about life throughout their entire existence.

So now that I know this, what do I do with this new found knowledge? I thought about sharing it but explaining it without sounding like a total loon is pretty hard. Trust me, start reading a few pages of the book I mentioned and you will quickly see that explaining it is like explaining color to the blind. Is it possible that on the journey to discovery, enlightenment and interconnectedness that we somehow feel more alone than ever.

I’m also reading a book called Revolution, which is exactly what we are in need of. An enlightenment, a wake-up call, a realization that everything is not ok, its not going to be ok and nothing is ever going to be the same again.

So what do we do about it? I don’t know, hence the emotions I stated earlier. I can’t be the only person that thinks something is very wrong on a much more grandiose global scale as well as a more intimate internal scale, and with the combination of them both it feels like everything is bound to go nowhere. I brush that feeling off only because I see there are others out there with the same feeling and same questions, seeking the same answers.

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The Insane Rambling of a Stranger Called “Me”


I feel like I have been caught in an ocean current and I don’t know which way is up. I can’t come up for air, I just keep tumbling…..I was told by someone close to me that;

If you are ever caught in an actual ocean current then you should just ride it out, and let it carry you until you can get your bearings and find the shore. By riding the current and willingly letting it take you further out into the ocean you will have saved enough energy to swim back to shore and save yourself.

I don’t know how much longer I can tumble or how much longer I can ride it out without coming up for air. What if I can’t make it to the point where I can see the shore to see how far I have to swim before I can get myself back? No one knows I am out here, so no one knows I need to be rescued. I know I am alone in this and it is up to me to hang on and get myself out.

I almost want to just let go and let the water just take me away without a care in the world, but the fear of really losing myself somehow keeps me afloat. The pain of really letting go, outweighed the bliss of losing my fears. I am afraid to even get to the point of finding my bearing because of that moment of utter despair once you see how far are and how much you will have to work to get back. It is the strangest feeling to anticipate, dread, and yearn for the same outcome.

Trying not to acknowledge time at all I just want to ignore it until this time has passed. By counting the seconds it just makes everything seem like it is moving in slow motion. By ignoring it I’m hoping it will be over before I even realize how much time has really passed. Life seems to go by so quickly when we aren’t paying attention.

Seems like I blinked and 2 years of my life were already gone. Those years aren’t filled with regret, I just can’t believe they are gone already. Seems like my life is just passing me by and I am just tumbling being carried further and further out.

I keep trying to remind myself that things can always get worse. That is probably the only thought that is keeping my head barely above the water.

 

Drowning

 

 


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I think I’m Regressing


Ever since my boyfriend started taking the night shift it has been ridiculous trying to sleep alone at night. I feel like I toss and turn all night because I wake up with all the pillows all over the floor, and the blankets are twisted and hanging off the bed. I thought it would get easier after a while, I even bought a new pillow that is about the same size as me and still I feel like I get no rest in the bed without him there.

I am so tired today it is ridiculous, I feel like I haven’t slept at all, and to top it off it is a super slow day at work so there is not even a high pressure project to keep me awake. I contemplated finding a privacy room to fall asleep in but just my luck I would be caught and fired…. so I went and got a coffee instead.

I have been sleeping next to him for almost 7 years now how am I supposed to get used to sleeping alone?!?! I was thinking that getting to stretch out, finally not be pushed to the edge of the bed, or not being smashed when we rolls over would be enough to satisfy my need for comfy sleep. Unfortunately now I have become accustom to being smashed in my sleep. I even tried piling pillows on top of myself so I could replicate the smashing and nope… just couldn’t breathe and got over heated way to fast.

Every time he leaves when I am about to go to sleep I feel like a little kid that is trying to force their dad to stay home.

I have the whole kid persona down. I have the puckered lip out, the big sad eyes, and I even wine a little bit even though I know him leaving is inevitably going to happen. I would kick and scream but by the time the clock says 9:30 I only have enough strength to push my pillow around and huff and puff a little bit.

Oh well, we have to do what we have to do in order to finally get a house. Though we are practically living in a house now it is not nearly as big as I would like for as many people live there. So once we are walking through the doors of our new house and he is all done with all this night shift crap and he can find a new job or a new shift it will all be worth it, but until then I guess I will have to regress to the prime age of 4 and squeal every time I see him leave or snuggle him when I come home from work and he is still asleep. I just have to take advantage of the little time that we do get to spend together.

If I wasn’t clingy before I sure am now. Every time we are just sitting around next to each other I find myself just trying to touch him anywhere I can, grabbing the little arm of his shirt, scratch his back, pinch or poke… its doesn’t matter to me. When he finally asked me what I was doing I told him, “just tying to get some physical attention while I can!”

Well so far my only coping mechanism I have found is every morning when I have to get ready alone I listen to the same song, it almost makes me want to cry but it is just want I need to hear at that moment so it evens out. (and for the record I haven’t cried yet!)