It Is How It Is…But Is It Really Though?

Angry, confused, changed, helpless, enlightened, alone, overwhelmed, excited, open minded….

These are just a few of the emotions that have passed through me recently yet I haven’t had the motivation to put it into words. There is just so much going on and so much to talk about that it seems almost impossible to focus on one subject and just have at it. I have had this overwhelming feeling, like we are on the edge of something great and I don’t want to have my head down blinders on just moseying around mindlessly like another drone through life when it happens.

I hear people say things like “this isn’t how humans are supposed to be living” with so much of the day wasted behind a desk under artificial lights. “LIVE DAMN YOU LIVE.” But we can’t. We aren’t allowed to, or for most of us, don’t have the means to do so. I keep feeling this void that can’t be filled with materialistic things that can be bought, with good job security and decent pay. It can’t be filled with vacations and getaways, it can’t even be filled with the joys of family and love. So what then can fill it?

So many of us feel that same void and try to fill it with sex, drugs, drinks, and simple distractions that the media told us would make us happy and then we think something is still wrong with us when we are not happy with these things we have filled our life with. The things they told us we should be filling our life with in order to finally catch that dream we have been chasing our entire lives. Once we acquire all the things and we have people in our lives that make up happy…. then what? What is it that we are missing?

Time.

Time to live. That’s what we are missing. The time to actually enjoy all the things we spent our entire lives trying to gather and retain. We shouldn’t be forced to wait until we are 65 to enjoy all that life and leisure time have to offer us. We spend the better parts of our day dedicated to going to work, am I supposed to be happy there? We get home and continue with the stresses of todays daily life at home because we have to now spend that money we worked so hard for on the bills that keep the lights on at home and keep all the machines I’ve bought to entertain or assist me running, but does that make me happy?  Then I finally get 2 days away from work only to return again for another 5, repetitively for 50 years so that I can one day  afford to die in a nice retirement home instead of under a bridge somewhere, is that supposed to make me happy and give me peace of mind? To know I am making enough money to die is defiantly a load of my shoulders….

There is so much corruption and greed in the world that it sometimes feels like there is no alternative to being a drone unless you want to be homeless and hungry under that bridge they are burying you under.

I have started reading books that take my mind to another level of consciousness so that maybe in some realm I can find some bit of happiness. One of them I would highly recommend is “Biocentrism – How Life and Consciousness are the Keys to Understanding the Nature of the Universe” Though I might warn you its one of those books that after you finish it you kind of look at everyone else as if they are stuck in some illusionistic reality, almost as if you are Neo from the Matrix and you have seen the true reality that no one else can see yet. Its like being in on a secret only you and the author know and your looking at everyone else like they are mindless sheep just following along without asking a single question about life throughout their entire existence.

So now that I know this, what do I do with this new found knowledge? I thought about sharing it but explaining it without sounding like a total loon is pretty hard. Trust me, start reading a few pages of the book I mentioned and you will quickly see that explaining it is like explaining color to the blind. Is it possible that on the journey to discovery, enlightenment and interconnectedness that we somehow feel more alone than ever.

I’m also reading a book called Revolution, which is exactly what we are in need of. An enlightenment, a wake-up call, a realization that everything is not ok, its not going to be ok and nothing is ever going to be the same again.

So what do we do about it? I don’t know, hence the emotions I stated earlier. I can’t be the only person that thinks something is very wrong on a much more grandiose global scale as well as a more intimate internal scale, and with the combination of them both it feels like everything is bound to go nowhere. I brush that feeling off only because I see there are others out there with the same feeling and same questions, seeking the same answers.

Thanks Obama

It really grinds my gears when people talk about Obama like he is the one single reason why we are in the mess we are in. Its like no one knows what it’s like to work on a team of shitty people and you’re the only one doing the work. (yeah we are the shitty people)

He is one man… that’s it … only one man….. it is going to take a nation to fix nation wide problems.
If you don’t like the way things are?
Here’s a thought, why don’t you research ways to make it better, no matter the scale of your impact, working towards solving a problem is better than just sitting around complaining about it.
No matter who we put in charge… Obama, McCain, or Clinton. (btw…like did you forget what we had to choose from… slim pickin’s) It’s like people thought we were electing a savior not a president. He hasn’t let me down because there is nothing ONE man can do to help or hurt the enormity of these problems, it will take all of us to really make a change.
There are much bigger things going wrong in this world to bitch about… find something other than Obama, he is honestly the least of your worries.

Try these issues on for size.. try bitching about something that matters:

• Homelessness
• Lack of Clean Water
• Lack of Food
• GMO Foods
• Excess Waste in Landfills
• Global Warming
• Toxins from Chemtrails
• Plastics in the Ocean
• Extinction of Animals
• Extinction of Places (go see them before they are gone)
• Over Population
• Slavery (which is still going on in some places google that shit)
• Human Trafficking

 

I can go on forever about much more relevant high priority items on america list of things to bitch about so do me a favor and leave Obama alone, he is just one man, stop treating him like he was supposed to be a savior and he let you down. I am not telling anyone anything they don’t already know but sometime people just need to remove the stick from their ass and realize there is a bigger picture and in the event that any one of the inevitable disasters happens and you are all dying and blaming Obama just remember he will also be dying.

There is no one person that will gain from the suffering of the world so there is no point in saying that is obviously his end goal, because we all will suffer including him. No matter how much money you have, no matter if you’re a republican or a democrat, whether you’re black or white or whether you believe in Jesus or not. When the end come its going to come for all of us and it will also be because of us.

So moral of the story … stop being a racist hick trying to play the blame game and make the change you want to see happening.

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed.”~Mahatma Gandhi

This is how most peoples thought on the situation

The Insane Rambling of a Stranger Called “Me”

I feel like I have been caught in an ocean current and I don’t know which way is up. I can’t come up for air, I just keep tumbling…..I was told by someone close to me that;

If you are ever caught in an actual ocean current then you should just ride it out, and let it carry you until you can get your bearings and find the shore. By riding the current and willingly letting it take you further out into the ocean you will have saved enough energy to swim back to shore and save yourself.

I don’t know how much longer I can tumble or how much longer I can ride it out without coming up for air. What if I can’t make it to the point where I can see the shore to see how far I have to swim before I can get myself back? No one knows I am out here, so no one knows I need to be rescued. I know I am alone in this and it is up to me to hang on and get myself out.

I almost want to just let go and let the water just take me away without a care in the world, but the fear of really losing myself somehow keeps me afloat. The pain of really letting go, outweighed the bliss of losing my fears. I am afraid to even get to the point of finding my bearing because of that moment of utter despair once you see how far are and how much you will have to work to get back. It is the strangest feeling to anticipate, dread, and yearn for the same outcome.

Trying not to acknowledge time at all I just want to ignore it until this time has passed. By counting the seconds it just makes everything seem like it is moving in slow motion. By ignoring it I’m hoping it will be over before I even realize how much time has really passed. Life seems to go by so quickly when we aren’t paying attention.

Seems like I blinked and 2 years of my life were already gone. Those years aren’t filled with regret, I just can’t believe they are gone already. Seems like my life is just passing me by and I am just tumbling being carried further and further out.

I keep trying to remind myself that things can always get worse. That is probably the only thought that is keeping my head barely above the water.

 

 

 

Little Smiles

I haven’t written anything in a while and if you read my last post “Lost Time” you would have a pretty good idea as to why.

Time seems to be slipping by me these days, rushing through the week just to get to the weekend and of course with the famous saying ” time flies when you’re having fun” so the weekends seem to just fly by too. Before I know it I am half way through the year and already planning for winter events.

Nonetheless there are times when “time” seems to slow down and I have a second  or two to just “smell the roses” if you will.

There are moments when I am with my significant other where I find myself with a “little smile” like I am laughing at my own inside joke. Just the little things like when we go to sleep and we perfectly form to one another and drift off, I am drifting with a little smile.

Or the moment when I walk through the door after a long day and I burst through the door and throw myself on the bed for some much-needed relief and he tells me to come over and sit next to him at our desk. A little smile comes over me because I know he wants me close to him.

When we finish each other sentence almost without even speaking decodable words just babble and grunts and somehow we honestly know exactly what the other is trying to say.

The moment when something happens to me and I want to tell the world … I reach for my phone and the only number I really want to call is his. Telling him is like telling the world to me because he is my world. He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed.

It’s these little things in my life that I truly appreciate and try to never take advantage of. One of the things that I do to try to not take advantage of the person willing to put up with my crazy ass is always saying I love you.

Even when your mad and you have been fighting all day, you better believe that before I go to bed that night I am saying I love you. Before you leave the house either in rage from a fight, or just to go to the corner store I am saying I love you. Just for the simple fact that we are not guaranteed tomorrow and no matter what you did to piss me off that day, nothing would supersedes the overwhelming emotions I would feel if I didn’t say anything and something happened. I am not going to be left alone to sing Katy Perry’s “The One that Got Away.”

Well I probably sound like a school girl crushing on her high school obsession, but we have been together for almost 8 years and it just amazes me sometimes how much we still can stand each other.

I think that is what happens when you grow WITH someone and become the person you are WITH them. Because people change constantly, you can’t find the perfect person and say I will only love them as long as they stay like this forever. (not talking about looks because that will obviously change) I think if you can find someone you can grow with and change with then you have found love.

The number one excuse I hear from couples is “he changed” or she changed” but that is expected of any person. You don’t just stop maturing once you have succeeded in finding a mate. You have to be willing to love that person no matter who they want to be that day. That’s love. I found it so I know what I’m talking about. I just wanted share because I think he is the guy that all the girls are looking for and he is mine. I feel like that’s just something that needed to be shouted from the rooftops, but since I can’t get on the roof my blog will have to do.

He has dedicated a few songs to me but this one is one from me to him ❤

Ed Sheeran- “Lego House”

Lost Time

I haven’t blogged for a while and it’s not because I don’t want to, or I lost interest, I just lost time. I don’t know where it went.

I can’t be the only one that can’t believe we are already 3, almost 4 months into the year. It was just freaking Christmas! It was just New Years! Where did the time go?

All week I just can’t wait for the weekend so I do as much as I can just so I can hurry through the week and get to Friday. I have done it so much that months just fly by. The days are a blur, if you told me what did I do this week specifically what I did I wouldn’t be able to answer you. I am afraid I would probably sound like a black out drunk that loses half their memory on a regular basis. (and I don’t even drink!)

I am so thankful for the days when it seem to just zip by and I get to go home from work and it feels like its only been a few hours instead of the half the day. I guess I am just starting to wonder if that is even something to be grateful for.

I guess I keep telling myself that I am in this for the long haul I have a career, not just a job, so I will be doing this for a while. Hopefully for the better part of my life. (Unless I hit the lotto and then I get to retire at 23 so I can sit around like a lazy slob like frequently dream about.)

Nonetheless, I shouldn’t just be speeding through everyday so I can hurry to the finish line, and be done with working. It’s not like I hate my job, I would much rather be home with my family, but wouldn’t anyone trade their job for their family? I mean people only work so they can provide for their family or at least for themselves. Unfortunately you have to lose so much time in the process of providing , it constantly makes me question, is it worth it. I know that it’s because you have to provide to have a family or just to keep yourself alive.

Life is a constant revolving battle of losing time and making up for the lost time.

…Sorry if this sounded a bit like the ramblings of  a crazy person…

The Holidays are here again!!!! ALREADY!!!

Yup, it is already that time again, everything needs to be decorated then taken down then decorated again then taken down again then decorated again then taken down one last time…. no wonder some people leave there Christmas lights up all year, they were on the brink of insanity.

Again here at work everyone’s running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to prepare for the holidays decorating everything with fall decor and transitioning from Halloween to Thanksgiving. All the cubicles look like they have been dipped into the nearest dollar store and came out just dripping with tacky decor.

 

Calm down everyone we still have thanks giving to coming up we can eat all our sorrows and our friends sorrows away with how much we are going to eat!!! Relax people summer is over just stuff your face and enjoy the moment!!!

Summer is Officially Over!

Well Summer has come to an end, and the cold fall and winter lay ahead.

Living in California you hardly noticed the seasons change from hot to hotter, and back to hot again.

Here in Washington that is a different story, during the winter people stay inside and most of the time because of the poor weather, but even if you wanted to go out, there was not much time for you to get the chance to be in sunlight (Well if you have a day job at least). I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, during the time in between I work in a building with no windows so the only chance I get to go outside is my 40 min lunch break, and usually this place is just starting to thaw by 11 am. I take advantage of the break and get a little sun while I can but I am not like most of these Washingtonians that would miss a day of work because the weather guy says “SUNNY AND HOT.” FYI there idea of “hot” is about 80-85 degrees, which isn’t that hot if you are from Palm Springs like me where it gets hot enough to fry and egg on the sidewalk.

So far we have gone 48 days without rain but there was a little sprinkle last night and this morning but it’s just morning dew compared to the rain we normally have so in my opinion it doesn’t really count as rain. The record for Seattle area is 51 days. Not very long when you think that California can go the full 360 without a drop. In Palm Springs (about and hour away from where I lived)  they, on average, get 350 days of sunshine year round!

Back to the cold we go but its fine with me after being born and raised in the sunshine state I am the only one in Washington that misses the misty, foggy days!!

I think I’m Regressing

Ever since my boyfriend started taking the night shift it has been ridiculous trying to sleep alone at night. I feel like I toss and turn all night because I wake up with all the pillows all over the floor, and the blankets are twisted and hanging off the bed. I thought it would get easier after a while, I even bought a new pillow that is about the same size as me and still I feel like I get no rest in the bed without him there.

I am so tired today it is ridiculous, I feel like I haven’t slept at all, and to top it off it is a super slow day at work so there is not even a high pressure project to keep me awake. I contemplated finding a privacy room to fall asleep in but just my luck I would be caught and fired…. so I went and got a coffee instead.

I have been sleeping next to him for almost 7 years now how am I supposed to get used to sleeping alone?!?! I was thinking that getting to stretch out, finally not be pushed to the edge of the bed, or not being smashed when we rolls over would be enough to satisfy my need for comfy sleep. Unfortunately now I have become accustom to being smashed in my sleep. I even tried piling pillows on top of myself so I could replicate the smashing and nope… just couldn’t breathe and got over heated way to fast.

Every time he leaves when I am about to go to sleep I feel like a little kid that is trying to force their dad to stay home.

I have the whole kid persona down. I have the puckered lip out, the big sad eyes, and I even wine a little bit even though I know him leaving is inevitably going to happen. I would kick and scream but by the time the clock says 9:30 I only have enough strength to push my pillow around and huff and puff a little bit.

Oh well, we have to do what we have to do in order to finally get a house. Though we are practically living in a house now it is not nearly as big as I would like for as many people live there. So once we are walking through the doors of our new house and he is all done with all this night shift crap and he can find a new job or a new shift it will all be worth it, but until then I guess I will have to regress to the prime age of 4 and squeal every time I see him leave or snuggle him when I come home from work and he is still asleep. I just have to take advantage of the little time that we do get to spend together.

If I wasn’t clingy before I sure am now. Every time we are just sitting around next to each other I find myself just trying to touch him anywhere I can, grabbing the little arm of his shirt, scratch his back, pinch or poke… its doesn’t matter to me. When he finally asked me what I was doing I told him, “just tying to get some physical attention while I can!”

Well so far my only coping mechanism I have found is every morning when I have to get ready alone I listen to the same song, it almost makes me want to cry but it is just want I need to hear at that moment so it evens out. (and for the record I haven’t cried yet!)

Is It The Weather, Or Is It Me?

Well it’s going back to being colder and darker in the early morning and early evenings, and I guess the depression is starting to sweep back across everyone… or maybe just me. I’m from California “the SUNSHINE state” and moved to Washington a little over a year ago and never thought the weather would have any real effect on me I just thought people who were born and raised in gloom and doom are the ones that really get depressed when the rainy season comes back.

I’m a unique Washingtonian because I am the only one that is hiding when the sun is out and going for a walk on the gloomy fog covered days, but maybe the fog has finally got me down.

I recently stopped having a monthly cycle because I’m using the Mirena IUD, and I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t pregnant because I have had the insert for about 4 years now and they only recommend it to be in there for about 5-7 years. Well I took the test almost 2 weeks after my missed cycle and it was negative.

Unfortunately no one had the same reaction, and no one was happy with anyone’s reaction, but on the up side no matter which way it would have gone everyone would have been happy BUT as far as reactions go…. that part didn’t go so well.

Because I had a baby when I was 14 I feel really weird going through the same process again only with love, support, and understanding. To me it comes off as teasing and judgement, because that is what I endured the last time I was pregnant. I always felt like my 16-year-old sister-in-law looks down to me because she can’t even fathom being stupid enough to get pregnant at 14, she is 16 now with no baby so she has already immensely surpassed me.

I felt like she would look down on me more for getting pregnant again (even though I’m not 14 anymore) I felt like even my daughter would look down on me because she follows everything my sister-in-law does since they are not too far in age. I just wanted to have it be in intimate private thing between my boyfriend and I and then share the good or bad news with the family. Instead I got laughs and shits and giggles all down the hall from my daughter (whom is 7) and my sister-in-law ranting “HA HA pee on a stick, you have to pee on a stick.”  I have never felt so embarrassed and disrespected in my life. Even though only my family was home I felt like I was 14 again being taunted down the halls by all the horrible high school jerks. Later my mother in law told me that it was out of love I’m being emotional and they were just having fun because they were so excited and happy and they love me and blah blah blah…. Well where was all that affection, support, and love when all I heard was fun being poked at me.

It made the entire experience like a revenge assignment to prove that was or wasn’t pregnant, the outcome didn’t even matter as long as I had an answer so the subject could be laid to rest.

Maybe I overreacted because of the experiences I have had in the past and maybe they were supportive laughs and giggles I could just be super sensitive to the subject because it’s an experience I want to have so badly with him but I’m also scared to death to actually live that experience again because it was so scary and painful the first time.  I’m so torn with emotion over the subject that I just want to burst to relieve some of the pressure. I guess I’m hoping I’m not ruined, I can be happy about having kids in the future. I guess we really wont know until the day comes.

Since no one really can understand what I’m going through I guess I really didn’t expect anyone to be supportive of my over reactive emotions,I wish someone would be able to understand where my emotions are all coming from. I don’t wish anyone to be as damaged as be I just wish someone would understand.  I guess I just wanted someone to tell me I’m not crazy…..

I’m So Ronery …

My first morning getting ready without my hubby was so lonely, I had been getting ready in my bathroom while he slept for almost a year but at least he was still right there to snuggle me while I slept, and for me to hug and kiss before I left the house.

This morning I had to get ready alone because he recently started working the night shift and he goes to work when it is time for me to go to sleep, he is sleeping when I get home from work because he has to get up at 8:00pm and I am sleeping when it is time for him to get up and get ready.

Our schedule barley fits any time for us to just hang out like we used to ….. that’s why I thought this song was perfect for the occasion……

………I am so ronery now …..